Obviously I have been MIA over the last several months. But I am restarting this, and hope that my weekly blogs can be an encouragement to someone. This is written to give God the glory in what He has done in my life.
In this long note I will give a bit of testimony of what has happened over the last several months.
My last blog was in June right after Sarah was born. In the nearly 8 months later a lot has happened, a lot has changed, and I have grown in the Lord.
In July of 2011, Sam deployed to Afghanistan starting what seemed to be a very LONG 12 month deployment. He left when Sarah was 6 weeks old. Thankfully he did get the chance to see her first real smile before he left. Her smile was for him alone :).
The heartache I felt when I left him in the parking lot is in no way describable. Separation is never easy, no matter the length, but at that moment 12 months seemed like an eternity.
My fears were common. I was scared and nervous to be in a foreign country with a new baby. I was afraid that our marriage would fall apart (far fetched fear, but those thoughts do run through your mind). I was afraid to raise a baby the first year virtually alone...of making hard decisions on my own. Afraid of what I would do if the unthinkable happened...but what I would forget when all these fears would assail my heart and mind, is that irregardless how helpless and worried I felt GOD was still in control of all things.
I would forget when He would say in His word, " I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee" Heb. 13:5. I would forget how He said that, "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, will keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" Philipians 4:7.
For the first 6 months of deployment I willingly ignored the help God was so ready to give me because I was comfortable in my own self pity and fear. It was easy for me to say "woe is me", and to be bitter and angry at others who seemed to have it easier than I.
I would be angry to see family members have the chance to raise their family together the first year of their children's lives. I would be angry at those who would complain about their husbands leaving for 2 days. I would think How DARE they think they have it hard. They miss their husbands for 72 hours, and I can't see mine for X amount of time.
I would still try to keep up my relationship with God, but the bitterness of my situation that was growing in me was making a great divide.
I struggled with the inability to talk to anyone about my situation. No one understood what I was dealing with, and it is hard to explain what you are feeling to people that don't understand. So I slowly started wallowing and sinking into my little world of anger, and pushing away the ONE person that would have easily taken everything off my shoulders.
I know my Lord was watching the entire time with arms wide open waiting for me to run to Him, but I tried so hard to be strong on my own. So the stronger I tried to be the more I'd sink.
By December I had hit a low. I stopped reading and praying all together, because at that point I wasn't getting anything and didn't figure there was a point to it. I had minor depression, and struggled with thoughts and dreams that plagued on my fears.
It was literally one week ago yesterday that I reached my breaking point.
I started searching around for daily devotional for women or military wives and the first book that popped up on my search engine was a book called "Faith Deployed" by Jocelyn Green. I liked the description and decided to get it.
The devotional is a book of combined stories from different christian military wives coupled with scripture on each day. Granted the scripture given isn't KJV, but it is easy to pick up my Bible and read the real verse and then read the devotional section.
The first one was entitled "The Gift of Solitude". It was by a lady who talked how she would do everything she could to fill up the lonely moments while her husband was deployed by staying busy, or watching movies, just doing SOMETHING to distract her mind from the fact her husband was gone. She went on to say she one day realized that those moments of quiet solitude could have been used so much more for spending time with God. God was the one that provided those alone times, and she was squandering majority of it to keep from dwelling on her loneliness. This hit home with me and was just the exact thing God used to break my strong will and hard heart.
In the 6 months that Sam had been gone, I had done EVERYTHING I could to keep myself and my mind busy. Pushing away precious moments I could have spent with my sweet Savior, to wallow in self pity and heart ache.
The whole time Christ was saying to me "Come unto me, all ye weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28. " Cast all your care upon Him, for He careth for you" 1Peter 5:7. "Be careful [ full of care] for NOTHING, but in EVERY THING by prayer and supplication with THANKSGIVING let your request be made known unto God." Philippians 4:6.
All the anger and bitterness I confessed. All the thoughts and actions I had confessed. For the first time in months I was truly peaceful. I had no fear of what was going on or what was to come.
I learned that being thankful during a trial is not being thankful for what's going on, but thankful that God is with you to bring you through it. Thankful for the good things in our life.
Since that moment, I still had my seconds of trouble. But I know now that my walk and relationship with God is closer than it has been in a long time.
Since I have let go of it all, God has shown me the wonderful change that has taken place in Sam. A change that is for the better that I hadn't allowed myself to see because I was blinded by my own worries.
God truly is a friend that is closer than a brother. I don't know how I have made it thus far without leaning on Him for strength, and I am thankful I don't have to make it the rest of the way alone.
I have my Confidant, and my Healer with me at all times. I am so thankful that God revealed Himself to me in a way I never thought possible.
So now I want to use my blog for a weekly update on how we are doing for our family and friends at home, and to share something special that God has done for me (or us) that week.
Thank you for taking time to read.
Love,
Amber
Thursday, January 26, 2012
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