This Season of Motherhood: 2016

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

An Open Letter to My Husband with PTSD

I see the moment you sit by me laughing and happy; pretending to be careless.

I see the moment we walk into a room and you memorize everyone's faces down to the most minute detail. Or as we walk and you can tell me the last seven people we have walked by in full detail what they looked like.

I see the moment we hear a sound: a crack, a pop, a whistle... I see you flinch and smile and carry on as you were.

I watch as you look at me and your eyes glaze over and I know you no longer see me. You are lost in a world that I can never understand; but I try so hard to.

I watch as you toss in your dreams: running, jumping, adjusting sites, down what you need to do so you can make sure you bring yourself "home".

I extensively plan and look ahead when we go places. I try my hardest to avoid anywhere that will trigger a negative reaction. I don't begrudge this. I happily do this, because what is this small feat compared to all the sacrifices you have made?

I see the look on your face when you feel you have failed me. I can promise you this-you have nowhere come close to failing me. You are not broken to me, you are beautifully whole and wonderfully mine.

I know this darkness lingers, and that it is ever so slowly easing with time. I know there are worst things that I cannot (and will not) list that I know you struggle with. I see them. I know. I am continuously learning to understand.

You see these things as a weakness. I do not, I see them as a strength. Your mind is not broken, it is more vigilant. For this, I feel more safe with you because no matter where we will go you will always have a plan...an out. I know you will die to protect me and our girls; I have this security stronger than most because you already sacrificed yourself and your mind to protect us when you were gone.

I see the strength, maturity, and logic that has come from this. You weigh decisions more balanced. You don't sweat the small stuff. You have seen the worst in humanity, so in turn you know what is worth worrying about and what is not.

You are my rock and my stability, even if you drive me nuts by not putting toilet papers on the roller or leaving your dirty socks out so Reese can use them as weapons of mass destruction *wink*.

Yes, you do have PTSD......but you have faced the devil and come out alive.

I love you. I am proud of you. You are stuck with me forever.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Worship from the Church Nursery

It happened again! Halfway through the service I had not one but TWO children screaming. So up I stood and practically pulled them behind me and went to the nursery. It always happens in the middle of the sermon. It always happens. Every Sunday. Every Wednesday. I always end up here. I grab bits and pieces of the message I have wanted to hear all week. I am angry and frustrated, looking at my two children who are now their tantrums and I ask myself, "Is this even worth it? Coming to church week in and week out and ended up here?".
In the midst of this inner turmoil and frustration I look up through the little window that lets me peer into the service and I saw her. Sarah. She sat there next to a sweet lady in the church with her Bible in her lap and listening attentively to the Pastor preached. My little 4.5 year old girl who has sat in the service (and many out of the service in the nursery with me or daddy) in her short lifetime. She sat there hearing the Word of God preached, closed her eyes in prayer, and in that moment all my frustrations and anger melted away.

It WAS worth it.

These years of young babies and toddlers pass quickly. We train them best we can, but they are still going to be human and act up. They are still going to cry and cause us to leave the service out of respect for others. But I had been missing the point. The point was not to have perfectly behaved children that sat through services stone still. The point was that we, Sam and I, were creating the habit (for lack of a better word) early. When they are babies and toddlers it is not so much how still you can make them, but they learn that church is an important part of their life. They learn by example that we go to church and sit as long as we can, but church is still important. Most days Natalie does great and sits the entire service, but if she is on an especially high sensory day then that doesn't happen. They are hearing the Word being taught in Sunday school and through the music. The result of this commitment is a Sarah. A child who sits through and is starting to hear on a new level. Starting to comprehend some of what is being said, and that to me is so worth it.

So I encourage you mom of young ones. It may not seem worth it right now when you spend more time out of the service than in; but it is! What you are investing in is a lifetime of faith and difference in your child's life. So take this time to create a good example and understand it is a phase. You are investing in these tiny years and will reap your dedication in the years to come. So when it comes to worshiping from the church nursery, let go of your frustration and irritation because it is worth it in the end.

Friday, January 1, 2016

2015: Year End Review

The year 2015 ends in just a few short hours (Mountain Time), and as I look back on this year I can hardly believe what all has transpired. We have had our valleys, but we have been singing from the mountain top for most of the year and I am so grateful for that. So if you are reading, be prepared for many photos (so hard to choose the ones I wanted to add) and recaps of each month of the year.

Winter/Spring 2015

Sam and Sarah making cookies

January began as peaceful and December 2014 had ended. We rang in the new year in Tennessee with family and even snagged a midnight showing of the new LOTR movie during our stay. The girls and I fought off a nasty bug on vacation in January and were all happy to be back home and recouping. Sam's job as a security officer ended in January and he starting asking a local gun store for employment. I started back working in the midwifery practice as a lactation counselor and admin assistant and in my mommy store part time.

Sarah and Natalie enjoying the "big" snow.

February brought a cold month and more snow than what we were used to in Kentucky. I had decided to cut back and only work at the practice and as really enjoying working in the medical setting. Both Sam and I were in full swing of school that semester and Sam got a job at a local gun store and loved it! At this point we were contemplating moving (still locally) because of finances. We had struggled financially since Sam retired and we were looking at trying something smaller/cheaper if we were able to.

March rolled around and we both starting seriously thinking about moving. This time the move was a little more radical. We both felt a strong "leading" to move across the country to Miles City, MT. My parents live there and there was immediate job opportunity for Sam with good pay. We started praying and going back and forth on the matter. Sam took lead and really felt it was what we needed to do. We started talking to my parents about it and by the end of March it was almost decided. We both told out perspective employers (both of whom were more than employers, they were family to us) and it was set. The pieces started falling into place so fast that we could do anything but believe that God was working every aspect of it out. We decided that we would wait until after our big trip to see family in April. We knew that we would know after the trip 100% if we were to move. We are both close to our family in Tennessee, and leaving them would be hard- if anything would have dissuaded us it would have been that trip. The time for the trip came and we were excited to spend time with family for four/five days. Pop and Nana Jeanne came down from Virginia and we had a blast. We celebrated Natalie's second birthday with a Stitch themed party. Stitch was her favorite character at the time and she got everything we could find related to it for her birthday. We went to the range with Nana Jeanne, and Sam got to watch me and his mom shoot his new 12gauge. We went down to see my grandparents and family further south I-75. The trip was meant to be a deciding factor in our moving- and we left for Kentucky knowing our heart was already set in Miles City. So when we returned we let our family know and planned a trip back down in a few weeks for final visits.

Reese and Beloved Bob

Cousins!

As May began we had three weeks until the big move. Among the chaos of packing we made time to take the girls to the park and spend time outside. We went down the week prior to moving and spent time with family. The girls had pictures taken with their cousins and they had so much fun. We spent time with my family and now have a precious last picture with my grandpa Bob with Reese. I am glad we were able to see him one more time before he passed away. Packing is my worst enemy but we got it done. My brother, Wes, offered to drive the uHaul for us and that was a huge help. Some of my coworkers and our cousin Karli came to help us the last couple days and helped us tie up loose ends. Moving day came and we loaded up in the car and hit the interstate. By happenstance we took the opposite route as my brother and travelled opposite ways. We made it from KY to MN the first day and from MN to Miles City the second day. We stayed two nights in a hotel once we reached our destination and then we started moving into our new home. The church family (that we had not met yet) came to our home and helped us unpack the ENTIRE uHaul and set up some heavier furniture. It was a HUGE blessing. We settled into our beds that night so thankful it was done and so happy we were where we were meant to be.

Summer 2015

Fourth of July Parade

Hot Summer Days

As summer came into full swing we settled into our new lives and into a new world of activities. Sam started working at the hotel with my dad and I was enjoying staying home with the girls. I started attending a women's bible study on Thursdays (where I met my now great friend Shantelle), and Sarah started gymnastics. We went on frequent trips to local parks and the kids "froggy" pool. The summer was hot, but the dry heat was really nice. I can handle triple digit heat with the humidity isn't in the mix. We took the girls to the July 4th parade on Main Street and they had a blast running out and grabbing candy thrown from the floats. We also took them to the county fair. Sarah rode all the "scary" rides and loved them. Towards the end of July I was getting a little stir crazy and decided I needed to get a part time job at the local hospital. That decision has opened up a world of doors for our family. I met a group of hilarious and diverse women through work and I love working with them. Sam and I also celebrated our six year wedding anniversary this year. My brother Jared and his family came up to see us for a week and it was a great visit. We got to meet my nephew Carson for the first time; and spend some quality time with Jared before he sets off on his third deployment in the coming year. Sarah and Natalie fell in love with them and was very sad to see them leave.

The end of Summer I had the opportunity to expand my education and become a certified doula. I started my own little business to educate and help moms in the surrounding Miles City area, and I call it Full Circle: Doula and Lactation Services.

Fall/Winter 2015

As we entered fall, Sarah started school. She started her pre-k year two days a week for half days. It was bittersweet for Sam and I to watch our eldest go to school; but she has thrived. She has soaked up all the education she has received up like a sponge.

Sisters <3

She has become more social and her leadership skills have really been coming through. Natalie has enjoyed being the oldest sister in the house, and has basked in the attention she has gotten from daddy and I since Sarah is at school. When Sam decided to leave the hotel because of physical reasons, I started working full time. It wasn't an ideal situation, but it gave Sam's body time to heal and find a job that better suited him. He came on at the hospital and has really been blessed. He too has had an abundance of doors open up for him since he started working there as well. The worked with us to keep me on 3.5 hours in the morning and home the rest of the day. It is a nice balance for me and for Sam to be taking over as the primary bread winner again. Reese turned one in November. It was hard to believe, as with all our children, how fast the year went. She is such a spunky baby.

The girl's on Reese's Birthday

Sarah had her very first school play for Christmas in December. She got to dress up in a pretty dress and mommy curled her hair. She was able to wear mommy's "special" pearls with her dress and she was just so beautiful. She has grown to be such a beautiful little girl. Mommy and daddy may have cried during her first performance. Natalie was able to be apart of the Christmas play at church with Sarah and she had a blast. She recited most of Psalms 101 and sang all the songs. She was very proud of herself.

The last year has been an eventful one with many ups and downs, but we have grown in our faith. God has been faithful to us and we are so thankful to be on this adventure and living this new chapter of our lives. We look forward to 2016 and what it has to offer!

(more pics from the year below)