No More Yelling: A different approach to parenting

 "A soft answer turneth away wrath; but 

grievous words stirreth up anger" Proverbs 15:1 

 Parenting can be stressful. When I say stressful I mean some days you are ready to jump off the nearest bridge or hide in the furthest corner of the world. You live in a world full of joy, love, and wonder; but those feelings are mixed with feelings of intense failure, fear, sadness, and desperation.

 Parenthood does not come with an owners manual, and although we have the wisdom [sometimes unwanted] from those who have raised their children before us but it still doesn't help with every situation with our particular child.

 What I have learned in my almost four short years of parenting is that everything is that it is not what I expected. I have learned that each child is different, sometimes polar opposites, that what worked with your first may not work with your second or third (or fourth, fifth,..tenth..).  The one rule I had for myself before Sarah was born is that I would never yell. I hate yelling. Let me rephrase, I abhor yelling. Yelling makes me cringe, and I never wanted to have to raise my voice at my children.  That rule has been broken so many times in the last 4 years it isn't even funny.

 It is not that I intend to yell at them, I just reach the end of my parenting rope some days and it comes out. I open my mouth in anger some days and regret it instantly. In anger is not the right way to discipline. In desperation is not the right way to parent.  Both lead to mistakes and frustrations.

 As Natalie is getting older, we have had to start disciplining more. She has always been our "Little" and so her petite size often makes us forget her age and how smart she really is. Since we have been cracking down, every word that is opposite of what she wants to do leads to instant water works. Constant crying leads to extreme frustration and we have often reached our boiling point before the days has ended. Our response to crying has been loud stern voices, which only makes it worse. We also do 'hands on the wall'(our version of time out that consists of them putting their hands on the wall until the crying is done) and conversations, but they are not that effective with her.

 The turning point for me was last week when I actually got into a screaming match with Sarah. I won the battle of wills, but I did not feel I accomplished anything. I had stooped to her level in my frustration and made the argument into an argument. I am mom. I do not argue with my child. So to not argue I needed to stop yelling.  

 A verse came to my mind, "A soft answer turneth away wrath." OUCH! I had been going about it the wrong way. 

 So after that I decided to try to see if that worked. So over the course of the past week I decided to take a different direction. Anytime Natalie was doing something she wasn't supposed to, I would softly but firmly correct her.  To my surprise she would comply with a simple "Yes ma'am" or "Ok" and go about her business. Same with Sarah. When she would start talking back I would say, "Sarah, you do not talk back to mama. If you do again, you are putting your hands on the wall" and for the most part she would comply! What used to be a day full of stress and anxiety, is now a day full of quiet obedience. 

 You can have discipline in your home without the strife of a raised voice. Being consistent and firm are so important. Not fearing "my child might not like me". Sadly, that is part of parenthood. We are meant to be our children's parents not friends. Friendship comes later once roles and boundaries are established.  I do not tolerate tantrums or downright disobedience, but now they are not address with yelling. I approach it with soft spoken words and firm consistency. 

 I have still failed at least multiple times a day, but I have sincerely seen a huge difference in the mood of the household and how the children react to the parenting that when I lost my temper and fell into the cycle. 

 So as I continue this season of motherhood, I continue to learn and grow. Growing pains are not always easy, but to see the difference in your home and children are so worth it. 

Accepting Myself in My Roles

 I am a wife.

 I am a mother.

 I am a daughter.

 I am a friend.

 I am a sales clerk.

 I am a lactation counselor.

 I am a (soon to be) student.

I am a woman.

 Roles. We live in our roles every second of the day. Often wearing multiple hats a day. Sometimes these roles can become overwhelming, and other days some of the roles just fall off the wagon. 

 For as long as I can remember, I have stressed out about how I was in each of these roles. I have battled guilt and anxiety, feeling like a failure when I haven't met up to my own high standards.  The days I felt I succeeded as at work I failed at motherhood. The days I felt I had the mothering thing worked out, I felt I failed in the wife area. So how could I stop letting myself and others down?

  I grew up in a culture of women were just stay at home moms. I wanted to be that perfect stay at home mother/wife for as long as I could remember.  You know the one that has a spotless house, well behaved children, and dinner on the table before the husband returned home from work.  I did that while Sam was in the army, but I found myself feeling like I was not accomplishing everything I felt I needed to. Once Natalie was born, I got a job out of necessity. I had severe PPD (post-partum depression) and I needed an outlet. I needed to have some time to myself.

The horror!

How could I want to be away from my children and my husband? How could I be so selfish?

I soon discovered that I became a better wife and mother when I had time to reset myself. I have recently discovered that I am an introvert, and that it is normal for me to need time to myself to recharge. If I had a chance to diffuse, I became more calm and less overwhelmed. For the longest time I struggled with that realization, but recently I have come to accept it as who I am.

I am not a horrible wife/mother because I work. I have not forgotten my greatest calling and my first priority, but to do those roles to the best of my ability I need to be away on occasion. I am not Mrs. Pinterest-Betty Crocker-Queen of Organization-Crafty-mom...and that's OK.

I admire the women who are able to juggle homeschooling, cooking from scratch, raising children, and building a birdhouse in the span of a day. I admire your strength and ability to do all these things so organized and well.  I love watching how you manage your household and always find time to do something you love at home.

But I am not you....and that is OK :)

  If you come over to my house on any given day, you will not find a house ready to go in Southern Living. Quite the opposite actually. You will find piles of clean (mostly) laundry that have yet to be folded and put away and dishes in the sink. My floor may have been swept a few day (days) ago, don't ask about mopping. Dusting..forget it. 

 I would stress out for the longest time about having a spotless house, and would feel bad because I wasn't doing what I "needed to do".

 What I was really doing was sitting on the couch snuggling with my three girls. These girls who are growing so fast and every little moment is just so precious. I was throwing balls, making messes, watching movies, and making memories. 

 It didn't take me long to know that making these memories was so much more important to me than having a spotless house.  Is your house truly spotless with three children under 4? My house is clean, but it is never spotless. There is always something to be done, but I would rather be in the throws of three giggling girls when I am home while they still want to spend time with me.

 Letting go of my own high expectations has been liberating. I still clean and cook (sometimes, Sam has sort of taken that over since he loves it so much). Sarah even helps me clean, but if there is still clutter I don't panic.

 I admire women who can do it all without sacrificing time with their children. I love how some women know how to include their children in every aspect; that just isn't a skill I have attained and doesn't seem like it is coming soon. 

  I love working, and I am fortunate to have a job where I can take my nursing baby. I am fortunate to have a husband who shares the work load. There is no "woman's work/man's work".  We both share responsibilities in equal parts. For this I am thankful. I would not be able to be nearly as sane or accepting of myself without a husband who loves me for who I am; and does not expect me to fall into the typical female roles.

 So if you fall into the housewife category or the working mom category. Know that all your roles are equally important as your counterpart. You are not any less a wife/mother whether you work or not. Your roles are given to you and it is okay to accept yourself in the path you are in, even if it isn't living up to the standard you grew up around OR put on yourself.  We are all different. We are all given different skills and finding what works for you and accepting that will make you a happier woman in all the roles you are given.

As January Ends....

On January 1st I made the decision that this year would be the of growth for me. I have been so stagnant in my life since July 2011 that I knew it was a time for a change. I decided that it was time that grow as a christian, wife, mother, and friend.  So to do this I decided it was time to make gradual changes, and to make those changes I knew I needed to start nurturing my soul. So each month I want to look back and say, "Yes, with God's grace I have grown this month."

This month has held huge changes for me. For the first time in years, and I mean years, I have been consistent with my devotion time every day. I found an app called She Reads Truth where it is full Biblical Truth and nuggets of wisdom by everyday women like me. It has been so encouraging and I have found myself looking forward to reading God's word and reading the encouraging ( or convicting!) words of the ladies writing the devotionals. For years my joy has been crushed under the weight of anger, bitterness, and loneliness...and as I have gone this month consistently reading God's word, I have found I have an unending peace and my joy has returned. Our trials have not lessened, but I have been able to see the positive more easily, and have been able to have more faith that I have ever had before (which isn't much more, I still have a LONG way to go). 


 Another big change is that after many months of longing we are finally in church. We found our church home and have fallen in love with the people. The charity that the people bear for one another there and towards us is so evident, that it is encouraging. I have been so spiritually broken for so long, that just walking in and seeing a smiling face is so healing. I know they are humans, but knowing that they genuinely care is so huge to us. This has been another step in increasing my joy. We tried closer churches, and looked at closer church-schools for Sarah, but each time we visited elsewhere God has shut the door so quickly that we knew the only place for us is Landmark Independent Baptist Church.

Now that the positive is out there... I still have so much more room to grow.

I have been consistently losing my patience with my girls. Struggling most days to enjoy this current season of motherhood. Three busy little girls under four years old is so trying at times. Some days I long for bedtime before lunch even hits. I work every day, so they want to be with me so much when I am home, and at that point all I can think of is "please let me drink my coffee and have quiet". I struggle with having a girl who wants to express her opinion very frequently; learning how to curve her spirit to being productive, but not breaking it.  With all that said, I do have good moments. My house struggles for it. Truthfully, I would rather close my eyes and hold my girls tight so I can enjoy these days when they want to be with me. In February my goal is to prayerfully grow in more patience and love towards my girls. Knowing this time is so short, that one day I will miss it.

As a wife, I still need to learn to appreciate more and criticize less. Sam does so much to help me. He cooks, cleans, is in school full time, and watches the girls. I am learning to say, "Thank you honey for doing this. " instead of saying, "You missed x, y, and z.". No, he doesn't clean like I do, but he does clean. He is a wonderful father, and so much more patient and consistent than I am. He has been the one to push us to faithfully go to church every week. He is an AMAZING COOK.  I am so fortunate to have such an involved husband, so my goal in February is to appreciate him so much more-and not take what he does for me for granted.

I am human.  I am so not perfect, but I long to be a better person than I am now. I am so thankful that God's mercies are new everyday, and that I can let go of yesterday's mistakes and start fresh.
Growing isn't easy.
But the results will be worth it!