As a Christian, I'm Sorry on Behalf of My President

  *This blog post will not be popular among my friends and family. I could potentially even lose some.

But I cannot stay silent on this subject that is very heavy on my heart. I have been convicted, and if I do not share I feel as though I will burst. So bear with me. Listen to my heart and make sense of my ramblings. *

For the first time in my life I have come face to face with the country I love so very divided. Nothing has divided our country more than the last election. Our candidates were both sub-par in my opinion, but during the campaigns I was drawn to Trump. My husband is former military. I liked the promises he made to us and I didn't like Hillary in the least for the Benghazi tragedy.  So I pulled for Trump. I was hoping his hot-headedness would cool and he would become business like and do what he needed to do to pull our country through. I literally could not comprehend WHY people were so devastated that he won. I will be the first one to admit I ridiculed Hillary supporters to others for needing a day off, for crying, for being in any type of mourning.  I decided to be willing to listen to the "other side" and ask questions. I wanted to know why they hated President Trump so much. Many feared deportation and separation of families among their friends. Some feared the increase of racial profiling and hate towards their race. Women feared they were taking a step back in their rights with him being head of our country. All of this opposite from what I had been hearing in my own circles. I was never 100% sold on him, but many-MANY- people I love were-and still are.  So hearing two completely opposing sides made me decided to sit back and objectively watch for myself how the next year went; and I have been shocked.

Let me put it out there I am I not 100% anti-anyone. I know that President Trump is human, and one just like the rest of us with the tendency to run off at the mouth. He has accomplished positive things for our country despite what the media has to say.  Our economy has grown steadily since his election and we have had a decrease in the war on police (may not mean much to you but it does to me). He has put a fighting spirit back in our military and continued to support Israel. But he isn't the savior he is believed to be. He is also working to reduce benefits wounded veterans can get when they need to live off of VA disability and social security disability. This is just the tip of the ice burg that is going on under the cloak of "Making America Great Again".

 The hardest part for me to grasp, primarily because I am white, is how despite everything positive he can do his remarks are dividing our country. He threatens our nations security by getting into pi**ing contests with North Korea. His diplomacy lacks pretty much everything (my button is bigger and huger than your button!), and he continuously insults people of other nationalities. I follow him on twitter, and I see what he rambles on about quite often, and it is usually incoherent and unprofessional statements. So when it came out that he called certain countries "Sh**holes* and degraded other places, I honestly have a hard time NOT believing it. That comment alone literally broke my heart. While those countries may be in poverty, there are amazing people that have come from there to better their lives and our country is greater for it. I feel like it is something Uncle Billy Bob would have said while grilling wearing his U.S. flag pants and his beer gut hanging out.  I think it was more impactful because I was in Boston and surrounded by Haitians and other nationalities as they played it over the monitor.
 Can you imagine uprooting yourself and your family LEGALY and moving to a different country to start a new life, barely speaking the language, and being told by the leader of that country you basically come from crap. How hurtful and insulting that would be. To give up literally everything and be let down like that.
 What bothers me the most is that Christians are still defending him! We who are called to stand above the world's standards and call out wrongs when we see them. We who are supposed to love with the love of Christ, even if they are different than us!  We need to see the injustices and call them out, and not hide behind the ignorance that "it doesn't happen to me so it isn't true". God called us to a greater calling, and that is to love and serve our fellow man. To clothe, feed, love, and help those less fortunate and different than us. He calls us to open our hearts to them as He did. So closing off ourselves to our own ideals because it is what everyone else in our specific culture believes is wrong and against the heart of God.
 
  So with a heavy heart I needed to say this:
  I am sorry to my friends, fellow country men, people of color and different nationalities on behalf of my president. His coarse remarks are uncalled for and hate-filled in regards to people different than me. So on behalf of him I am sorry.

Rainclouds & Cake Pops

  Yesterday was a rough day for the girls. Truth be told it was a rough one for me too. Sam left to go on a Wounded Warrior retreat, and in our crazy life leading up to his leaving we completely forgot to tell the girls he was going somewhere for a few days. This usually means tears and chaos. This time it was no different. 

 On top of the sudden change for the girls, Sarah had a well child visit.  On the way to the doctor it was raining cats and dogs. Sarah said she didn't want to get wet, and so I told her Jesus controls the rain so she should pray to Him about it. She thought for a moment and looked at me and said, "I am going to pray right now that He will stop the rain." She instantly bowed her head and I could hear bits of her faith-filled voice pray. When she was done she looked outside the car and it hadn't stopped. I watched her, doubtful in my own mind that the rain would stop, and she looked at me, " It will take a minute, but it will stop." I smiled encouragingly and nodded. Not two minutes later the rain stopped. Dead stop. Not down to a trickle, but dead stop. She smiled and said, "I told you mommy! Jesus stopped the rain!". 

 This year she was not set to get anymore vaccines because she is current, and so she went in with no apprehension. They did their routine checks and she was set to go and we were stopped at the desk. They apparently missed a vaccine last year and had to administer it before we left so we could get her into school next week. Sarah's world crumbled. We prayed together to give her bravery to face the shot, and we made it through with a weeping, whaling, and gnashing of teeth. Then off we went for the promised cake pop from Starbucks for being brave through the ordeal. As she was eating it the whole thing fell off the stick and hit the floor of the truck, and I saw the look of utter devastation in her eyes. Stunned and angry she just broke down a cried. Not a fit cry, but an everything-has-gone-wrong cry that was just heart wrenching. I felt helpless and did all I could to encourage and comfort her, and we survived the rest of the day.

 Seeing her go from a faith-filled moment, full of confidence in God and His abilities, to full devastation and the world is against her mentality was convicting. How often had I done the same with remarkably less faith than my own daughter? More times than I can count I have gone from full confidence to complete distrust and anger in moments because something didn't go my way. 

 How many times have I allowed the circumstances in my life rob me of the joy I have received in my answered prayers and blessings? How many times do I look to the negative in my life instead of keeping faith in the One who controls the rain?

 On the days I do well and get to grab a few precious minutes in the Word, the day inevitably throws distractions in my way to rob me of the joy I have received. The distractions are bound to take the nugget of Truth, the solid hold on hope that I have to make it through my day. It is often so easy for me to get lost in the overwhelming sense of no purpose when I am constantly cleaning, changing diapers, feeding, disciplining, correcting, the laundry (oh my goodness the laundry), giving...giving...giving...until I am just so empty all I can see is the never ending toll this takes on me. Finances, insecurities, anxiety, depression, feeling horribly inadequate to mother, constantly judging myself and my decisions... all these things distract me. Take over me. Discourage me. Weigh me down. When in all truth I have the ability to lean on the One my daughter has shown me stops the rain.

 My faith is only hampered by me. It is bogged down by me when I take my eyes off the One who would so willing take my burdens and bear them for me. He Who would give me rest, edify me, encourage me, strengthen me through His Word and prayer if I would just take my eyes off my circumstances for a moment and keep them on Him.  

 Looking unto Jesus the Author and Finisher of our faith... I am thankful for the reminder to keep my eyes on Him through the hard times as well as the good. I am thankful for rainclouds and cake pops, and that through them He can still teach me that if I have faith as a child great things can happen. His strength, His grace, His mercy, all of these things and all of His promises I have full access to as long as I have a little faith.

The Life You Wanted, and the Life You Have

 Growing up I didn't have much expectations of what my life would be like as I grew. I knew I wanted a family, children, to stay at home...but didn't put much thought into it. When eighteen came and went and I wasn't married I started shifting my focus on the different things God brought for me in my life. I considered school, worked on a career, and went to church every time the doors opened. 

 Once I met Sam, my world changed and I started looking forward to the life we would have together. We planned, set goals, and began forming our roles in our home...and we lost our jobs. It would be the first of many set backs we would experience over the next 8 years. Once he joined the military we spent two and half years of the first five years of marriage together. I am not complaining, I know plenty of military families who have had less time, or no time left at all. I reset my expectations over and over again through those five years, being humbled many times as I watched God move in our lives. 

 We have followed God to several different homes since, and finally ended up back in Tennessee. Each turn and path we followed Him home had its setbacks, but we got through them. Once we arrived in Tennessee it looked as though we finally had a break. Sam got an amazing job working as an SSO for the schools in Knox County, and I was home with my babies once more. We were finally within a year of meeting some financial goals and getting close to when we could buy a home. Things were looking up in so many ways. We were thankful. 

 The end of January Sam came down with the flu. From that diagnosis to present we went from being financially stable to living with robbing Peter to pay Paul because of a sudden onset of a seizure disorder. Sam had sustained a Traumatic Brain Injury in Afghanistan, but no doctors would link his seizures to it. We were given no out.  When his fourth seizure in a span of two weeks happened he was sent to the hospital to be looked at. While I sat in the hospital watching Sam sleep, I was suddenly humbled. I had so much anger built up from our shift in life, from being  almost there to back at the beginning again I almost couldn't see straight. Add that on top of the stress of worrying about the children and my husband and what our future held, I was almost a basket case.  I was reminded of the beginning of Psalms 37:7 "Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself..."   Rest. Wait. Fret not. 

 I realized that my anger was based in my pride and inability to control the situation. The humility came in the realization that the situation wasn't mine to  control in the first place. God knew before He sent us from Montana that we would be faced with this, and He moved us to an area with family and full support and help. Never once did I have to worry about my girls, or  finances. ..We have yet to go hungry. 

 I have learned to let go of thinking how I  want my life, and enjoy the life I have right now...that GOD has given to me. My family is not set up and functioning like I think it should be done, but how God has allowed to be. I have bonus time with my husband, and the girls have bonus time with their father.  I am thankful that even with all, and I mean ALL, the setbacks and sadness we have had in our life that we are where we are. I would not trade a single day of my life that God is leading us through for the one I wanted. For if I were in the one I wanted, I doubt I would have the blessings and joys I have now. For His way isn't our way, and His thoughts are not our thoughts; with that why would I long for the way things could be? As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him. II Samuel 22:31

 So if you are struggling to find peace in your life, remember even in the troubled times God is there and leading you through it. Do not doubt His direction or His leading, even if the life you wanted isn't what your life is turning out to be. The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Psalms 37:23  

An Open Letter to My Husband with PTSD

  I see the moment you sit by me laughing and happy; pretending to be careless.

  I see the moment we walk into a room and you memorize everyone's faces down to the most minute detail. Or as we walk and you can tell me the last seven people we have walked by in full detail what they looked like. 

 I see the moment we hear a sound: a crack, a pop, a whistle... I see you flinch and smile and carry on as you were.

 I watch as you look at me and your eyes glaze over and I know you no longer see me. You are lost in a world that I can never understand; but I try so hard to. 

 I watch as you toss in your dreams: running, jumping, adjusting sites, down what you need to do so you can make sure you bring yourself "home". 

I extensively plan and look ahead when we go places. I try my hardest to avoid anywhere that will trigger a negative reaction. I don't begrudge this. I happily do this, because what is this small feat compared to all the sacrifices you have made?

I see the look on your face when you feel you have failed me. I can promise you this-you have nowhere come close to failing me. You are not broken to me, you are beautifully whole and wonderfully mine.

I know this darkness lingers, and that it is ever so slowly easing with time. I know there are worst things that I cannot (and will not) list that I know you struggle with.  I see them. I know. I am continuously learning to understand.

You see these things as a weakness. I do not, I see them as a strength. Your mind is not broken, it is more vigilant. For this, I feel more safe with you because no matter where we will go you will always have a plan...an out. I know you will die to protect me and our girls; I have this security stronger than most because you already sacrificed yourself and your mind to protect us when you were gone.

I see the strength, maturity, and logic that has come from this. You weigh decisions more balanced. You don't sweat the small stuff. You have seen the worst in humanity, so in turn you know what is worth worrying about and what is not. 

You are my rock and my stability, even if you drive me nuts by not putting toilet papers on the roller or leaving your dirty socks out so Reese can use them as weapons of mass destruction *wink*.

Yes, you do have PTSD......but you have faced the devil and come out alive.  

I love you. I am proud of you. You are stuck with me forever.

Worship from the Church Nursery

 It happened again! Halfway through the service I had not one but TWO children screaming. So up I stood and practically pulled them behind me and went to the nursery. It always happens in the middle of the sermon. It always happens. Every Sunday. Every Wednesday. I always end up here. I grab bits and pieces of the message I have wanted to hear all week. I am angry and frustrated, looking at my two children who are now their tantrums and I ask myself, "Is this even worth it? Coming to church week in and week out and ended up here?".
 In the midst of this inner turmoil and frustration I look up through the little window that lets me peer into the service and I saw her. Sarah. She sat there next to a sweet lady in the church with her Bible in her lap and listening attentively to the Pastor preached. My little 4.5 year old girl who has sat in the service (and many out of the service in the nursery with me or daddy) in her short lifetime. She sat there hearing the Word of God preached, closed her eyes in prayer, and in that moment all my frustrations and anger melted away.

It WAS worth it.

These years of young babies and toddlers pass quickly. We train them best we can, but they are still going to be human and act up. They are still going to cry and cause us to leave the service out of respect for others. But I had been missing the point. The point was not to have perfectly behaved children that sat through services stone still. The point was that we, Sam and I, were creating the habit (for lack of a better word) early. When they are babies and toddlers it is not so much how still you can make them, but they learn that church is an important part of their life. They learn by example that we go to church and sit as long as we can, but church is still important.  Most days Natalie does great and sits the entire service, but if she is on an especially high sensory day then that doesn't happen. They are hearing the Word being taught in Sunday school and through the music. The result of this commitment is a Sarah. A child who sits through and is starting to hear on a new level. Starting to comprehend some of what is being said, and that to me is so worth it.

So I encourage you mom of young ones. It may not seem worth it right now when you spend more time out of the service than in; but it is! What you are investing in is a lifetime of faith and difference in your child's life. So take this time to create a good example and understand it is a phase. You are investing in these tiny years and will reap your dedication in the years to come. So when it comes to worshiping from the church nursery, let go of your frustration and irritation because it is worth it in the end.

2015: Year End Review

The year 2015 ends in just a few short hours (Mountain Time), and as I look back on this year I can hardly believe what all has transpired. We have had our valleys, but we have been singing from the mountain top for most of the year and I am so grateful for that. So if you are reading, be prepared for many photos (so hard to choose the ones I wanted to add) and recaps of each month of the year.

Winter/Spring 2015

Sam and Sarah making cookies

January began as peaceful and December 2014 had ended. We rang in the new year in Tennessee with family and even snagged a midnight showing of the new LOTR movie during our stay. The girls and I fought off a nasty bug on vacation in January and were all happy to be back home and recouping. Sam's job as a security officer ended in January and he starting asking a local gun store for employment. I started back working in the midwifery practice as a lactation counselor and admin assistant and in my mommy store part time.  

Sarah and Natalie enjoying the "big" snow.

February brought a cold month and more snow than what we were used to in Kentucky. I had decided to cut back and only work at the practice and as really enjoying working in the medical setting. Both Sam and I were in full swing of school that semester and Sam got a job at a local gun store and loved it! At this point we were contemplating moving (still locally) because of finances. We had struggled financially since Sam retired and we were looking at trying something smaller/cheaper if we were able to.

    March rolled around and we both starting seriously thinking about moving. This time the move was a little more radical. We both felt a strong "leading" to move across the country to Miles City, MT. My parents live there and there was immediate job opportunity for Sam with good pay. We started praying and going back and forth on the matter. Sam took lead and really felt it was what we needed to do. We started talking to my parents about it and by the end of March it was almost decided. We both told out perspective employers (both of whom were more than employers, they were family to us) and it was set. The pieces started falling into place so fast that we could do anything but believe that God was working every aspect of it out. We decided that we would wait until after our big trip to see family in April. We knew that we would know after the trip 100% if we were to move. We are both close to our family in Tennessee, and leaving them would be hard- if anything would have dissuaded us it would have been that trip. The time for the trip came and we were excited to spend time with family for four/five days. Pop and Nana Jeanne came down from Virginia and we had a blast. We celebrated Natalie's second birthday with a Stitch themed party. Stitch was her favorite character at the time and she got everything we could find related to it for her birthday. We went to the range with Nana Jeanne, and Sam got to watch me and his mom shoot his new 12gauge. We went down to see my grandparents and family further south I-75.  The trip was meant to be a deciding factor in our moving- and we left for Kentucky knowing our heart was already set in Miles City. So when we returned we let our family know and planned a trip back down in a few weeks for final visits.

Reese and Beloved Bob

Cousins!

As May began we had three weeks until the big move. Among the chaos of packing we made time to take the girls to the park and spend time outside. We went down the week prior to moving and spent time with family. The girls had pictures taken with their cousins and they had so much fun. We spent time with my family and now have a precious last picture with my grandpa Bob with Reese. I am glad we were able to see him one more time before he passed away. Packing is my worst enemy but we got it done. My brother, Wes, offered to drive the uHaul for us and that was a huge help.  Some of my coworkers and our cousin Karli came to help us the last couple days and helped us tie up loose ends. Moving day came and we loaded up in the car and hit the interstate. By happenstance we took the opposite route as my brother and travelled opposite ways. We made it from KY to MN the first day and from MN to Miles City the second day. We stayed two nights in a hotel once we reached our destination and then we started moving into our new home. The church family (that we had not met yet) came to our home and helped us unpack the ENTIRE uHaul and set up some heavier furniture. It was a HUGE blessing.  We settled into our beds that night so thankful it was done and so happy we were where we were meant to be.

Summer 2015

Fourth of July Parade

Hot Summer Days

As summer came into full swing we settled into our new lives and into a new world of activities. Sam started working at the hotel with my dad and I was enjoying staying home with the girls. I started attending a women's bible study on Thursdays (where I met my now great friend Shantelle), and Sarah started gymnastics. We went on frequent trips to local parks and the kids "froggy" pool. The summer was hot, but the dry heat was really nice. I can handle triple digit heat with the humidity isn't in the mix. We took the girls to the July 4th parade on Main Street and they had a blast running out and grabbing candy thrown from the floats. We also took them to the county fair. Sarah rode all the "scary" rides and loved them.  Towards the end of July I was getting a little stir crazy and decided I needed to get a part time job at the local hospital. That decision has opened up a world of doors for our family. I met a group of hilarious and diverse women through work and I love working with them.  Sam and I also celebrated our six year wedding anniversary this year.  My brother Jared and his family came up to see us for a week and it was a great visit. We got to meet my nephew Carson for the first time; and spend some quality time with Jared before he sets off on his third deployment in the coming year. Sarah and Natalie fell in love with them and was very sad to see them leave.

The end of Summer I had the opportunity to expand my education and become a certified doula. I started my own little business to educate and help moms in the surrounding Miles City area, and I call it Full Circle: Doula and Lactation Services.

Fall/Winter 2015

As we entered fall, Sarah started school. She started her pre-k year two days a week for half days. It was bittersweet for Sam and I to watch our eldest go to school; but she has thrived. She has soaked up all the education she has received up like a sponge.

Sisters <3

She has become more social and her leadership skills have really been coming through. Natalie has enjoyed being the oldest sister in the house, and has basked in the attention she has gotten from daddy and I since Sarah is at school. When Sam decided to leave the hotel because of physical reasons, I started working full time. It wasn't an ideal situation, but it gave Sam's body time to heal and find a job that better suited him. He came on at the hospital and has really been blessed. He too has had an abundance of doors open up for him since he started working there as well. The worked with us to keep me on 3.5 hours in the morning and home the rest of the day. It is a nice balance for me and for Sam to be taking over as the primary bread winner again.   Reese turned one in November. It was hard to believe, as with all our children, how fast the year went. She is such a spunky baby. 

The girl's on Reese's Birthday

Sarah had her very first school play for Christmas in December. She got to dress up in a pretty dress and mommy curled her hair. She was able to wear mommy's "special" pearls with her dress and she was just so beautiful. She has grown to be such a beautiful little girl. Mommy and daddy may have cried during her first performance. Natalie was able to be apart of the Christmas play at church with Sarah and she had a blast. She recited most of Psalms 101 and sang all the songs. She was very proud of herself. 

The last year has been an eventful one with many ups and downs, but we have grown in our faith. God has been faithful to us and we are so thankful to be on this adventure and living this new chapter of our lives. We look forward to 2016 and what it has to offer!

(more pics from the year below)

The day we left our home in KY

Sarah on the night of her Christmas Performance

Sweet Sister (March 2015)

Fourth of July Parade

Christmas Play at Church

Sarah's First day of
Gymnastics

Reese and our last visit with Grandma

Feeding the ducks in KY

Natalie and Carson

Us and my Grandma

Sarah's First Haircut (March 2015)

Sarah's 4th birthday party before we left for MT

Park Day!

6 Year Anniversary

June 2015

My dad, brother (Jared) and Sam

Summer 2015

Sarah's First Time at the Range

Sarah's first bike Ride

Fair 2015

Christmas 2015

Daddy's Girls December 2015

Reese turns 1!

Embracing Imperfect Motherhood

What is your picture of motherhood? What do you see as the perfect "mom"? What expectations do you have when you wake up and see your home and think of how it could be? 
 When I think of a good mom, my ideal tends to be drawn to the woman who's home is spotless. She makes homemade meals; does arts and crafts with her five small children. The children are always put together, and she is always put together nicely. She is the queen of multi-tasking; never feeling overwhelmed by her life. She loves being with her children (ALL THE TIME) and interacts with them at home and when she goes to the park. 

I know friends who have filled this ideal in one or two areas; but rarely in everything.  I have seen the spotless homes and wonder how in the heck do they do that with more than one child running around?  I see laundry neatly put away, and for the longest time I wanted to run hiding when people would see my piles hiding in different places (I abhor laundry).  I see the organic meals moms make. I see mom's making dozens of cookies with their children for school; giving them something more than a poptart for breakfast and I admire them! I have gotten better, but first thing in the morning is just not my thing. I need way too many cups of coffee before I get that kind of motivation. 
For the longest time I was jealous of anyone who I perceived held up the perfect mother standard. I envied their drive to do things I hated and was, in all honesty, sometimes too lazy to do.
I felt a heavy amount of guilt because I thought I was falling short of something. Feeling like I was not being a good mom because I chose to work instead of spending every waking moment with them. I tried the stay-at-home mommy part and it just wasn't for me.  I needed to work. That need left me feeling guilty.
I would oft times lose my temper with my children; I would sometimes feed them poptart for the second time that day because I honestly just didn't feel like cooking something that I knew would be a battle to get them to eat.  When I took them to the park, I would begrudge playing on the different things with them. What is wrong with me that I can't do good mom things?

 One day while I was dealing with a particularly down moment in my mommy pity party, Sarah walked up to me and said, "You're a great mommy." For some reason that got me to look at everything from a different perspective: I am not perfect and I will never be a perfect mom.

Hold the phone. 
Let me repeat it for you: We are not perfect and will never  be a perfect mom.
The mothers who seem to "have it together" I guarantee you deal with the feeling of inadequacy just as you do. Motherhood has been turned into a competition, and it never should be such. Our culture looks at each other to find flaws (cloth diaper vs. disposables- boob milk vs. formula - natural birth assisted by dolphins vs. fully medicated hospital birth). It is like we are pitted against one another from the time we pee on a stick until the end of time.

This is AFTER I cleaned it :)

The explosion of social media has only blew out of proportion the "Keeping up with the Joneses" to who looks the best on Facebook/Pinterest. Motherhood is beautiful chaos. Children are impossible to keep in an orderly manner, unless you wish to hinder their spirit. As children are predictable, so is life. 
You come to my house any given day, you will find piles of laundry waiting to be put away (did I mention I HATE laundry) and dishes in the sink. I keep my floors pretty clean, but toys are everywhere despite the fact I clean them up with the girls multiple times a day. I maintain my home; no cover of Southern Living in my place.  My is clean, but it is cluttered and messy most of the time
I feed my kids a mix of good food and very, very processed food. We watch TV on days I don't feel like doing much, and other days we go to the park where I encourage them to do things on their own. 

Motherhood is not about what you are failing at, but about what you are doing! If you are loving, feeding, and nurturing your children in a healthy environment YOU ARE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB! If you dress your children, keep them safe from the elements and all sorts of other nasty things you are able to prevent YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER! 

Don't doubt the impact you are making on your children. They will remember most your love and your time with them. They won't remember you didn't put away the laundry for the one-hundredth time. They will remember you; your warmth and your calm. 

Just you remember that.