Rainclouds & Cake Pops

  Yesterday was a rough day for the girls. Truth be told it was a rough one for me too. Sam left to go on a Wounded Warrior retreat, and in our crazy life leading up to his leaving we completely forgot to tell the girls he was going somewhere for a few days. This usually means tears and chaos. This time it was no different. 

 On top of the sudden change for the girls, Sarah had a well child visit.  On the way to the doctor it was raining cats and dogs. Sarah said she didn't want to get wet, and so I told her Jesus controls the rain so she should pray to Him about it. She thought for a moment and looked at me and said, "I am going to pray right now that He will stop the rain." She instantly bowed her head and I could hear bits of her faith-filled voice pray. When she was done she looked outside the car and it hadn't stopped. I watched her, doubtful in my own mind that the rain would stop, and she looked at me, " It will take a minute, but it will stop." I smiled encouragingly and nodded. Not two minutes later the rain stopped. Dead stop. Not down to a trickle, but dead stop. She smiled and said, "I told you mommy! Jesus stopped the rain!". 

 This year she was not set to get anymore vaccines because she is current, and so she went in with no apprehension. They did their routine checks and she was set to go and we were stopped at the desk. They apparently missed a vaccine last year and had to administer it before we left so we could get her into school next week. Sarah's world crumbled. We prayed together to give her bravery to face the shot, and we made it through with a weeping, whaling, and gnashing of teeth. Then off we went for the promised cake pop from Starbucks for being brave through the ordeal. As she was eating it the whole thing fell off the stick and hit the floor of the truck, and I saw the look of utter devastation in her eyes. Stunned and angry she just broke down a cried. Not a fit cry, but an everything-has-gone-wrong cry that was just heart wrenching. I felt helpless and did all I could to encourage and comfort her, and we survived the rest of the day.

 Seeing her go from a faith-filled moment, full of confidence in God and His abilities, to full devastation and the world is against her mentality was convicting. How often had I done the same with remarkably less faith than my own daughter? More times than I can count I have gone from full confidence to complete distrust and anger in moments because something didn't go my way. 

 How many times have I allowed the circumstances in my life rob me of the joy I have received in my answered prayers and blessings? How many times do I look to the negative in my life instead of keeping faith in the One who controls the rain?

 On the days I do well and get to grab a few precious minutes in the Word, the day inevitably throws distractions in my way to rob me of the joy I have received. The distractions are bound to take the nugget of Truth, the solid hold on hope that I have to make it through my day. It is often so easy for me to get lost in the overwhelming sense of no purpose when I am constantly cleaning, changing diapers, feeding, disciplining, correcting, the laundry (oh my goodness the laundry), giving...giving...giving...until I am just so empty all I can see is the never ending toll this takes on me. Finances, insecurities, anxiety, depression, feeling horribly inadequate to mother, constantly judging myself and my decisions... all these things distract me. Take over me. Discourage me. Weigh me down. When in all truth I have the ability to lean on the One my daughter has shown me stops the rain.

 My faith is only hampered by me. It is bogged down by me when I take my eyes off the One who would so willing take my burdens and bear them for me. He Who would give me rest, edify me, encourage me, strengthen me through His Word and prayer if I would just take my eyes off my circumstances for a moment and keep them on Him.  

 Looking unto Jesus the Author and Finisher of our faith... I am thankful for the reminder to keep my eyes on Him through the hard times as well as the good. I am thankful for rainclouds and cake pops, and that through them He can still teach me that if I have faith as a child great things can happen. His strength, His grace, His mercy, all of these things and all of His promises I have full access to as long as I have a little faith.

The Life You Wanted, and the Life You Have

 Growing up I didn't have much expectations of what my life would be like as I grew. I knew I wanted a family, children, to stay at home...but didn't put much thought into it. When eighteen came and went and I wasn't married I started shifting my focus on the different things God brought for me in my life. I considered school, worked on a career, and went to church every time the doors opened. 

 Once I met Sam, my world changed and I started looking forward to the life we would have together. We planned, set goals, and began forming our roles in our home...and we lost our jobs. It would be the first of many set backs we would experience over the next 8 years. Once he joined the military we spent two and half years of the first five years of marriage together. I am not complaining, I know plenty of military families who have had less time, or no time left at all. I reset my expectations over and over again through those five years, being humbled many times as I watched God move in our lives. 

 We have followed God to several different homes since, and finally ended up back in Tennessee. Each turn and path we followed Him home had its setbacks, but we got through them. Once we arrived in Tennessee it looked as though we finally had a break. Sam got an amazing job working as an SSO for the schools in Knox County, and I was home with my babies once more. We were finally within a year of meeting some financial goals and getting close to when we could buy a home. Things were looking up in so many ways. We were thankful. 

 The end of January Sam came down with the flu. From that diagnosis to present we went from being financially stable to living with robbing Peter to pay Paul because of a sudden onset of a seizure disorder. Sam had sustained a Traumatic Brain Injury in Afghanistan, but no doctors would link his seizures to it. We were given no out.  When his fourth seizure in a span of two weeks happened he was sent to the hospital to be looked at. While I sat in the hospital watching Sam sleep, I was suddenly humbled. I had so much anger built up from our shift in life, from being  almost there to back at the beginning again I almost couldn't see straight. Add that on top of the stress of worrying about the children and my husband and what our future held, I was almost a basket case.  I was reminded of the beginning of Psalms 37:7 "Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself..."   Rest. Wait. Fret not. 

 I realized that my anger was based in my pride and inability to control the situation. The humility came in the realization that the situation wasn't mine to  control in the first place. God knew before He sent us from Montana that we would be faced with this, and He moved us to an area with family and full support and help. Never once did I have to worry about my girls, or  finances. ..We have yet to go hungry. 

 I have learned to let go of thinking how I  want my life, and enjoy the life I have right now...that GOD has given to me. My family is not set up and functioning like I think it should be done, but how God has allowed to be. I have bonus time with my husband, and the girls have bonus time with their father.  I am thankful that even with all, and I mean ALL, the setbacks and sadness we have had in our life that we are where we are. I would not trade a single day of my life that God is leading us through for the one I wanted. For if I were in the one I wanted, I doubt I would have the blessings and joys I have now. For His way isn't our way, and His thoughts are not our thoughts; with that why would I long for the way things could be? As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him. II Samuel 22:31

 So if you are struggling to find peace in your life, remember even in the troubled times God is there and leading you through it. Do not doubt His direction or His leading, even if the life you wanted isn't what your life is turning out to be. The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Psalms 37:23