The Life You Wanted, and the Life You Have

 Growing up I didn't have much expectations of what my life would be like as I grew. I knew I wanted a family, children, to stay at home...but didn't put much thought into it. When eighteen came and went and I wasn't married I started shifting my focus on the different things God brought for me in my life. I considered school, worked on a career, and went to church every time the doors opened. 

 Once I met Sam, my world changed and I started looking forward to the life we would have together. We planned, set goals, and began forming our roles in our home...and we lost our jobs. It would be the first of many set backs we would experience over the next 8 years. Once he joined the military we spent two and half years of the first five years of marriage together. I am not complaining, I know plenty of military families who have had less time, or no time left at all. I reset my expectations over and over again through those five years, being humbled many times as I watched God move in our lives. 

 We have followed God to several different homes since, and finally ended up back in Tennessee. Each turn and path we followed Him home had its setbacks, but we got through them. Once we arrived in Tennessee it looked as though we finally had a break. Sam got an amazing job working as an SSO for the schools in Knox County, and I was home with my babies once more. We were finally within a year of meeting some financial goals and getting close to when we could buy a home. Things were looking up in so many ways. We were thankful. 

 The end of January Sam came down with the flu. From that diagnosis to present we went from being financially stable to living with robbing Peter to pay Paul because of a sudden onset of a seizure disorder. Sam had sustained a Traumatic Brain Injury in Afghanistan, but no doctors would link his seizures to it. We were given no out.  When his fourth seizure in a span of two weeks happened he was sent to the hospital to be looked at. While I sat in the hospital watching Sam sleep, I was suddenly humbled. I had so much anger built up from our shift in life, from being  almost there to back at the beginning again I almost couldn't see straight. Add that on top of the stress of worrying about the children and my husband and what our future held, I was almost a basket case.  I was reminded of the beginning of Psalms 37:7 "Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself..."   Rest. Wait. Fret not. 

 I realized that my anger was based in my pride and inability to control the situation. The humility came in the realization that the situation wasn't mine to  control in the first place. God knew before He sent us from Montana that we would be faced with this, and He moved us to an area with family and full support and help. Never once did I have to worry about my girls, or  finances. ..We have yet to go hungry. 

 I have learned to let go of thinking how I  want my life, and enjoy the life I have right now...that GOD has given to me. My family is not set up and functioning like I think it should be done, but how God has allowed to be. I have bonus time with my husband, and the girls have bonus time with their father.  I am thankful that even with all, and I mean ALL, the setbacks and sadness we have had in our life that we are where we are. I would not trade a single day of my life that God is leading us through for the one I wanted. For if I were in the one I wanted, I doubt I would have the blessings and joys I have now. For His way isn't our way, and His thoughts are not our thoughts; with that why would I long for the way things could be? As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him. II Samuel 22:31

 So if you are struggling to find peace in your life, remember even in the troubled times God is there and leading you through it. Do not doubt His direction or His leading, even if the life you wanted isn't what your life is turning out to be. The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Psalms 37:23