Embracing Imperfect Motherhood

What is your picture of motherhood? What do you see as the perfect "mom"? What expectations do you have when you wake up and see your home and think of how it could be? 
 When I think of a good mom, my ideal tends to be drawn to the woman who's home is spotless. She makes homemade meals; does arts and crafts with her five small children. The children are always put together, and she is always put together nicely. She is the queen of multi-tasking; never feeling overwhelmed by her life. She loves being with her children (ALL THE TIME) and interacts with them at home and when she goes to the park. 

I know friends who have filled this ideal in one or two areas; but rarely in everything.  I have seen the spotless homes and wonder how in the heck do they do that with more than one child running around?  I see laundry neatly put away, and for the longest time I wanted to run hiding when people would see my piles hiding in different places (I abhor laundry).  I see the organic meals moms make. I see mom's making dozens of cookies with their children for school; giving them something more than a poptart for breakfast and I admire them! I have gotten better, but first thing in the morning is just not my thing. I need way too many cups of coffee before I get that kind of motivation. 
For the longest time I was jealous of anyone who I perceived held up the perfect mother standard. I envied their drive to do things I hated and was, in all honesty, sometimes too lazy to do.
I felt a heavy amount of guilt because I thought I was falling short of something. Feeling like I was not being a good mom because I chose to work instead of spending every waking moment with them. I tried the stay-at-home mommy part and it just wasn't for me.  I needed to work. That need left me feeling guilty.
I would oft times lose my temper with my children; I would sometimes feed them poptart for the second time that day because I honestly just didn't feel like cooking something that I knew would be a battle to get them to eat.  When I took them to the park, I would begrudge playing on the different things with them. What is wrong with me that I can't do good mom things?

 One day while I was dealing with a particularly down moment in my mommy pity party, Sarah walked up to me and said, "You're a great mommy." For some reason that got me to look at everything from a different perspective: I am not perfect and I will never be a perfect mom.

Hold the phone. 
Let me repeat it for you: We are not perfect and will never  be a perfect mom.
The mothers who seem to "have it together" I guarantee you deal with the feeling of inadequacy just as you do. Motherhood has been turned into a competition, and it never should be such. Our culture looks at each other to find flaws (cloth diaper vs. disposables- boob milk vs. formula - natural birth assisted by dolphins vs. fully medicated hospital birth). It is like we are pitted against one another from the time we pee on a stick until the end of time.

This is AFTER I cleaned it :)

The explosion of social media has only blew out of proportion the "Keeping up with the Joneses" to who looks the best on Facebook/Pinterest. Motherhood is beautiful chaos. Children are impossible to keep in an orderly manner, unless you wish to hinder their spirit. As children are predictable, so is life. 
You come to my house any given day, you will find piles of laundry waiting to be put away (did I mention I HATE laundry) and dishes in the sink. I keep my floors pretty clean, but toys are everywhere despite the fact I clean them up with the girls multiple times a day. I maintain my home; no cover of Southern Living in my place.  My is clean, but it is cluttered and messy most of the time
I feed my kids a mix of good food and very, very processed food. We watch TV on days I don't feel like doing much, and other days we go to the park where I encourage them to do things on their own. 

Motherhood is not about what you are failing at, but about what you are doing! If you are loving, feeding, and nurturing your children in a healthy environment YOU ARE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB! If you dress your children, keep them safe from the elements and all sorts of other nasty things you are able to prevent YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER! 

Don't doubt the impact you are making on your children. They will remember most your love and your time with them. They won't remember you didn't put away the laundry for the one-hundredth time. They will remember you; your warmth and your calm. 

Just you remember that.

Loving Me Where I Am

The last few months I have been struggling. Struggling with this inner voice that keeps telling me bad things; things that hurt me and make me feel less that what I am. 
This voice tells me things like:
"Can you believe how big you are?"
" You're so big you can't even wear shoes without the weight hurting your feet"
" Yes, go ahead, eat that cookie---you're big anyway; why not add to it?"
"What is the point of trying?"
These thoughts and more have ran on repeat since I have hit my highest weight in my life. Regardless of food, exercise, medication, or anything else this number on a scale goes up.
The weight played into my mood and my depression. It created a self-hate that billowed out into a frustration towards everyone around me. Everything I would do would make me angry.


One night Sam talked to me and said, "I wish I could make you see you through my eyes. You are beautiful, sexy, loving, and a good person. The only person that can change this is you. No one else."

It hit me hard...and in a place I needed to. I  was the one who had to own my inner dialogue and change how I felt about myself.

So I started taking vitamins and moving throughout the day. I started making small changes (eating an orange instead of a cookie type change) and just moderating what I eat. Nothing that caused a crazy amount of focus or planning. 

I also changed what I say to myself. Remembering that I have had a massive amount of things happen to my body over the last 5 years. I have had three children in four years, two major surgeries (cesareans are major surgeries), dealt with severe postpartum depression, and moved four times. I have not always managed it the right way; sometimes using food as my comfort. Other times I have harmed my body with "fad" dieting and crashing my system.


The number on the scale is just my gravitational pull on this earth. It has nothing to do with my self-worth.
I love my husband and my children more than anything in this world.  There is nothing I would not do for them. I watch my girls grow and pray that they do not inherit my problem with self-image...but my example to them will be how they learn to love themselves.

I am intelligent and driven, and am capable of doing so many things--as are they. I see great things in their future; I do not want them to be held back by a number on the scale. 
I have my faith in Christ, and I want them to see that and know that through Christ they can be and have so much more than this life can offer. But how can they see the joy of I have if it is masked by angry and frustration at myself?


Since I have been working on my change in mindset; I have felt so much better. Little exercises, more water, vitamins, and change in food choices here and there have already made me feel better physically. I celebrated a big milestone for me with being able to put on my wedding set for the first time in months--still couldn't wear it long but was able to get it on and off my fingers!

I don't want the body I had five years ago, and my body will never be that way again. Each pound and stretch mark is a sign of a change; a girl changing into a woman-the life changing event of carrying and birthing children---and it is me.

All of it-from my extra rolls to my nearly double chin. All of it signifies something that has changed in me...just as I am getting healthy is a sign of another change. There will be many more in the years to come.

If you are reading this you are WORTH SO MUCH MORE than what size you wear and what you weigh. YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE than fat rolls and pooches. Size six or thirty-two does not define the size of your heart and the love you have for people.