When nursing ends....

 (note: I wrote this blog for all the ladies out there who wished they could breastfeed and something happened and they could not. I wrote it for the mom's who had to stop suddenly and felt alone in the hormonal and emotional post-breastfeeding process. This is for all the moms who wasn't ready to let their baby go, but did out of love knowing it is all a process of your child's life, even if your heart isn't ready to do so. This is for the moms yet to be, and for the moms who have already been here. What you feel is not odd, you are not alone. It is just another part of wonderful mommy-hood.)

 I was fortunate enough to be able to breastfeed my firstborn a full year. There was nothing like nursing my little one and having her hazel eyes just stare into mine while I nourished her. I loved the look of contentment and happiness she would have, and the lazy look before she would fall asleep drunk from a full belly. I loved how she would nuzzle against me and how her little hands would rest on me while eating, made the moment almost euphoric.

Sarah at 1 years old

 When she self-weaned two weeks after her first birthday I was sad. I had fully expected to nurse her until 18 months or so...but Sarah, being Sarah, had other plans in mind. She was walking, eating "grown up" food, and had been taking a sippy cup for several months; Sarah was happy and content to continue growing even when I wanted her to stay my baby forever.

 I was fully aware of the hormonal and emotional shifts postpartum, but no one told me of the emotional and hormonal shifts of sudden weaning.  I did not have engorgement, I wasn't sore, I felt normal....but emotionally I was a mess. I felt sad,  easy to tears, extremely exhausted, and depressed.  I didn't understand what was going on. I finally did research on it and found that you have a similar dramatic hormonal shift in your body when you wean (especially suddenly) as you do when you get pregnant and have a baby. Depression is extremely common after weaning, along with regular hormonal issues. Average time span is two weeks for everything to even out and get back to your normal. Luckily, I was one of those.

 With my second my birth experience was awesome and I got to nurse within the first 45 minutes of her life. She latched on perfectly and we had no problem. She was born weighing 8lbs 6oz and dropped to 7lbs 10oz afterwards (which is pretty common in newborns).  Her first two weeks was great, she would nurse and sleep. At her 2 week check up she weighed 8lbs 2oz, so it looked like she was on the uphill for weight gain. Soon after she became what I thought was very colicky. She would cry (and I am not exaggerating) 8-10 hours out of the day. If she wasn't nursing or sleeping she was crying. She would spit up, but not an over abundant amount to be concerned with; and she was constantly gassy. She was having enough wet and poo diapers, so I "knew" she was getting enough.

 The beginning of June we went to TN for a wedding and I got to see my niece who is only 4 weeks older than Natalie....and my heart instantly became concerned for my daughter. Natalie still looked very tiny and very newborn like even though she was over a month old. Others noticed it too, and I thought it was maybe just her build...but in my heart I knew something wasn't right.

Natalie at 6 weeks. She looked much smaller than she should and constantly cried.

                                                         
 When we got back my fears were confirmed at her 6 weeks check up(she was 7 weeks before they were able to see her). Her weight was only 8lbs 8oz.  Only two ounces above her birth weight, and only 6oz since her 2 week check up. That was very, very, very low. She had met all her milestones but was not gaining weight hardly at all.
 The problem with my milk was a HIGH over production where she would only get the watery foremilk, causing the gas, and not the fatty more filling hind milk. I had tried pumping and everything, nothing would work.
 The doctor suggested I supplement with formula. I instantly agreed. I felt horrible for my little girl. She had been hungry all those weeks and I had no clue. I thought she just had bad gas, but that wasn't it at all; my milk wasn't enough for her.
 I started supplementing formula after each time she nursed, and she would gobble down the formula like she wasn't getting anything from me. Withing 4 days of formula feeding she started refusing the breast and only wanting the formula. My heart broke. I knew this was the absolute best thing for my girl. But my mommy heart instantly was devastated. I was supposed to feed her. I was supposed to be able to give her what she needed. How could I not see she was hungry. How this...why that... All the blame I put at my feet, but I would do anything to make sure my girl was happy and healthy; and if that meant only formula she would only get formula.





 Withing four days of starting the formula Natalie gained 15oz. (That's right! Nearly a pound!) She has grown and thrived. She has completely weaned from me and only takes the bottle.
 I am now going again through the hormonal and emotional shift from the sudden weaning. My milk immediately dried up. No engorgement, no pain, nothing. Like I hadn't breastfed at all.

She is like a completely different baby. She is calm, never crying, happy, and smiley. It was like she came to life.

 A part of me is still sad about all the time I will miss with her nursing, but I have found that although it is something other than me giving milk I am still feeding her. She still looks into my eyes and snuggles close while I feed her. She still loves me and sees me a mom. The bond I have with her is growing just as if we were still nursing.  Nursing is a great bonding experience, but it is not the only way to bond with your children. I look at my now healthy girl, and just think that two weeks ago she was a wisp of a human being.  Now she she is so happy and content; I cannot say enough how much of a different baby she is. She is getting chubby and tall. She has grown almost 3 inches since birth.

Natalie less than 2 weeks after starting formula.

 I am a happy mom to see her so happy. I know I made the right decision to formula feed her. I small part of me may be still a little sad, but what is motherhood without sacrifice? Mom's will always choose what is best for their children even if it causes them some pain. This will be something I will have to do over and over again the rest of my life. It is a small price to pay to have the great joy of children.

My beautiful girls <3