Loving Me Where I Am

The last few months I have been struggling. Struggling with this inner voice that keeps telling me bad things; things that hurt me and make me feel less that what I am. 
This voice tells me things like:
"Can you believe how big you are?"
" You're so big you can't even wear shoes without the weight hurting your feet"
" Yes, go ahead, eat that cookie---you're big anyway; why not add to it?"
"What is the point of trying?"
These thoughts and more have ran on repeat since I have hit my highest weight in my life. Regardless of food, exercise, medication, or anything else this number on a scale goes up.
The weight played into my mood and my depression. It created a self-hate that billowed out into a frustration towards everyone around me. Everything I would do would make me angry.


One night Sam talked to me and said, "I wish I could make you see you through my eyes. You are beautiful, sexy, loving, and a good person. The only person that can change this is you. No one else."

It hit me hard...and in a place I needed to. I  was the one who had to own my inner dialogue and change how I felt about myself.

So I started taking vitamins and moving throughout the day. I started making small changes (eating an orange instead of a cookie type change) and just moderating what I eat. Nothing that caused a crazy amount of focus or planning. 

I also changed what I say to myself. Remembering that I have had a massive amount of things happen to my body over the last 5 years. I have had three children in four years, two major surgeries (cesareans are major surgeries), dealt with severe postpartum depression, and moved four times. I have not always managed it the right way; sometimes using food as my comfort. Other times I have harmed my body with "fad" dieting and crashing my system.


The number on the scale is just my gravitational pull on this earth. It has nothing to do with my self-worth.
I love my husband and my children more than anything in this world.  There is nothing I would not do for them. I watch my girls grow and pray that they do not inherit my problem with self-image...but my example to them will be how they learn to love themselves.

I am intelligent and driven, and am capable of doing so many things--as are they. I see great things in their future; I do not want them to be held back by a number on the scale. 
I have my faith in Christ, and I want them to see that and know that through Christ they can be and have so much more than this life can offer. But how can they see the joy of I have if it is masked by angry and frustration at myself?


Since I have been working on my change in mindset; I have felt so much better. Little exercises, more water, vitamins, and change in food choices here and there have already made me feel better physically. I celebrated a big milestone for me with being able to put on my wedding set for the first time in months--still couldn't wear it long but was able to get it on and off my fingers!

I don't want the body I had five years ago, and my body will never be that way again. Each pound and stretch mark is a sign of a change; a girl changing into a woman-the life changing event of carrying and birthing children---and it is me.

All of it-from my extra rolls to my nearly double chin. All of it signifies something that has changed in me...just as I am getting healthy is a sign of another change. There will be many more in the years to come.

If you are reading this you are WORTH SO MUCH MORE than what size you wear and what you weigh. YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE than fat rolls and pooches. Size six or thirty-two does not define the size of your heart and the love you have for people.