The Face of Postpartum Depression

This is the face of Postpartum Depression(PPD). This happy, smiling, live for the moment person you see hides the dark face of a monster many mothers face. One in seven women experience a variation of PPD; it can start during pregnancy and show up anytime in the first year. This is so hard for me to write. But I want women to know they are not alone.

PPD is like a creeping viper. It lulls you in a sense of security of good days and will strike without warning. For me it includes anger, depression, anxiety, and intense intrusive thoughts.
It started after Sarah's birth, and with each pregnancy and child being born it has progressively gotten worse.  Thoughts of the world ending and having to survive with nothing...worrying how I will feed my girls. Thoughts, endless thoughts, of them dying. Knowing I would wake up and find them dead in their beds. It is not something I can just "pray away", PPD is a serious clinical issue where there is a chemical imbalance in my brain.

After Natalie's birth it was the worst.
Her birth was beautiful and perfect. It was a healing cesarean after the traumatic one I had with Sarah. For two weeks, I was in a euphoric state. I was the happiest I had been in a very long time. I remember waking up the fifteenth day after her birth and I plummeted. I became paranoid, angry, depressed, anxious, and the feelings wouldn't go away. I was hot and cold. I would not be surprised if I was bi-polar. My mood swings were unpredictable and out of control. I lived everyday just to survive. I barely interacted with Sarah and Natalie. I didn't want to be around anyone or crowds. It was a very dark time.
I finally reached out and got help with a therapist who used cognitive therapy to make me work through my issues. I also got a part time job at a local store that got me out of the house one to two days a week. It worked wonders, but it never fully went away.
When I got pregnant with Reese, it was very unexpected. We were thrilled, don't get me wrong, but this time I wanted to be proactive. By 25 weeks I began having some intense perinatal depression and anxiety. This time I opted for medication so I wouldn't drop off the edge once I gave birth.
Medication managed it, and Reese's birth was beautiful and healing... but it didn't stop the viper from slithering it's way back into my mind.

By three weeks out the intrusive thoughts began to be very intense. The hardest one for me to even type is the worst one I have had yet. Reese was newborn, the girls were home, and everyone was crying. I sat down and just looked at Reese and thought, "If I could just cover her face with a pillow, I could make her stop". 
What? How could a mother think those things? You may be shocked to hear it, but that is just how nasty PPD can get. I immediately talked with my midwife and raised my medication dosage. I have not had homicidal thoughts since then, but the intrusive thoughts are still there. It is something you learn to manage.
There is nothing in this world I love more than my children, and I would never harm them. The thoughts I have are not exclusive to me. Most women with PPD have had thoughts like this, or in worse cases have carried it out because of a form of psychosis ( that is why my heart breaks for Andrea Yates).

There is such a stigma with PPD. It is ignored and silenced. We are told we are horrible mothers, or that we need to buck it up. We are told what we have doesn't exist, and if we were medically educated we would know better. We are told that no normal mother thinks of harming her child, and that motherhood is full of sunshine and rainbows. We are lied to.

We are not told it is OK that we seek help. We are not told it is OK that we can take medication to help calm our symptoms. We are kept in the dark for the most part, and told to hold it together. We are told we can't simply have PPD, because it is just hormonal and it will go away. PPD does go away, but not always quickly and easily.  PPD can rear it's ugly at anytime in that first year, and doesn't have to be depression. It can come in anxiety, mood swings, feeling overwhelmed, and longing for the "old days".
For many of us with PPD it seems like the days are long and the nights are longer. It seems like we will never find ourselves again and be happy. But I can tell you from experience that it does get better. There is life and an end to PPD.

Motherhood is not perfect, it is not sunshine and roses. It is a house full of children (or child) where your house is not spotless, there is always something to do, and there is always something going on.

Never in my life did I know I could hold so much love in my heart as I do now. Neither did I know I could be overrun by anxiety and depression either. Depression is an ugly bug. Just because a person is happy, doesn't mean that they always are. Just because a person deals with depression, doesn't mean they are not where they should be spiritually (a lie many of us are told).  We love our children, our husband, our God...but our thorns stick hard into our flesh as we trek along day by day, hoping and praying for reprieve.
Reprieve is there. You will find yourself again. God is able, and you are able to make it past PPD. You are not alone in your thoughts, fears, and anxieties. One in seven of us deal with this...so why aren't we talking to one another? Bearing one another's burdens, and lifting each other up?
There is help! There is hope. Reach out to a friend, a doctor, a midwife, someone and talk. Do not be ashamed to take medication until you can control it yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, do not be ashamed to ask for help.
I learned to not be ashamed to reach out. For if I am not taking care of myself, how am I supposed to take care of those God has charged to my care?

Suicide Prevention Lifeline  OR  800-273-8255 ;Call for yourself or someone you care about; free and confidential; network of more than 140 crisis centers nationwide; available 24/7

Follow This Link for PPD International, it is a great resource for PPD information and online support groups.